5 Lessons From a Year of Asking
“We run this company on questions, not answers.”
Eric Schmidt, Former Google CEO
What if you lived your life this way?
In 2020, I experimented with a daily challenge. I chose one question each day, wrote it down on a card and then set aside time to think about how I would answer that question at this stage of my life. After 118 straight days of questions and a video I made for our high school students about the value of asking, I decided in 2021 to change my approach. One day wasn’t enough time to focus on the question. I needed more time to reflect and to let the question play out in my life over the course of consecutive days.
So, in 2021, I focused on one question each week. 52 questions later, we’re here. I have dozens of questions left on my list that I never even touched. As I read books, spoke with friends, and sat in meetings, I jotted down more questions. They’re everywhere. As I wrap up this year of questions, I’ve stopped to reflect on how the year has gone and the impact of asking.
Questions create space
What is the best movie of all time?
What did you think about when you read that question? Even if you don’t realize it, your brain for at least a brief moment redirected its energy and attention to trying to answer the question. This is due to something called instinctive elaboration. We’re wired to respond. We instinctively want to fill the void created by a question. This doesn’t mean you will always engage with a question for a prolonged period of time. You get to consciously choose whether to do that or not. But for that brief moment after the question is asked, whether you like it or not, the brain switches tasks and focuses entirely on the question.
Why does this matter?
Think about reading. It’s possible to read hundreds of sentences or listen to a speaker ramble on and on without ever pausing or engaging actively with the content. Take that same content and insert a question and immediately there is a forced moment of pause.
Now imagine a life filled with statements and exclamations but no questions. Do you ever feel like you just move from event to event with nothing in-between?
Questions create the space we need to search for answers that will improve the moments of living.
And, in case you need an answer to the best movie of all time question above, it’s Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Questions force clarity
Questions create space and if you decide to sit in that space a bit longer you have a unique opportunity to clarify your thinking.
“Prototype hot take” is when news breaks, and then “somebody will rush out an opinion piece a couple hours later that comes to some really grand conclusions based on this one thing that happened that maybe we don’t even have all the facts about yet.”
Rusty Taylor, Today in Tabs
Not every hot take is bad and sometimes we need to make snap judgements based on the information available. But when we have the time and the subject is important, it’s worth sitting with the necessary questions to clarify our thoughts, decisions, and opinions.
Questions are tools to combat stress and anxiety
At first, I called this section, “questions cure anxiety.” Questions may not be the cure in every instance but if deployed at the right time and with a genuine desire to find and act on the answers, you will come close to finding a cure.
“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”
Seneca
How often do you catastrophize or add layers of negative meaning to a situation where it never was in the first place. When something happens to us or someone says something to us, we immediately begin to add meaning. We decide whether something is good or bad. We may not have the ability to control what happens to us but we do control the meaning we give the event and how we respond.
Before you begin to engage in the suffering, ask yourself a few questions to determine whether the suffering is necessary.
What part of the story are you missing?
How often do you begin to add meaning to events before you have all of the information? Even just knowing there might be more to the story will make you be more thoughtful about the meaning you layer onto the event.
Is this inside or outside of your control?
Have you ever stopped to look at how much time you spend investing your resources (time, energy, emotion, money) to “solve” problems that aren’t in your control? What if you only directed your resources toward the things in your control?
Is this a possibility or a probability?
Have you ever felt anxious about the possibility of the worst case scenario happening? How often did the absolute worst case scenario happen? Yes, it’s possible that the technology fails you during your next presentation—but what are the odds? Is it possible or probable? Why are you spending energy worrying about scenarios with an improbable likelihood of occurring?
What advice would you give to someone else?
In a series of studies published in 2018, researchers at the University of Texas found that individuals like to give advice to others because it increases their sense of power. We also tend to believe we give great advice to others. This question is great because it will increase your sense of power while also helping you approach the situation from a more detached perspective.
Maybe you give these a try and still find yourself struggling. That’s not a bad thing. That’s part of the experience we’re all having here together. There’s one more question that my parents would ask us—how long will you let yourself feel this way? Sometimes we just want to mope, feel bad, or spiral a bit.
Asking questions has changed the way I interact with life. It doesn’t mean there are no challenges or adversity but it means life isn’t a series of events that simply happen to me. Asking questions opens up options for action and empowers me to spend my resources more effectively.
In some individuals there are deeper issues at play. I still think that asking questions will help offset some of the suffering but those individuals might also need a bit more support. I am a big believer in finding a qualified therapist or coach to offer additional support. I’ve enjoyed working with my therapist/coaches over the last three years and have found the conversations to be productive and impactful.
Asking is a skill
“If you work as hard as you can on one thing, you will change.” (Dr. Jordan Peterson)
Dr. Jordan Peterson, Beyond Order
I don’t think I did this as well as I would have liked this year. I could have spent more time each week focused on the question and on the articles I wrote. But I have seen a noticeable change in how I respond to situations. I am more aware of what is happening and how I want to engage. I feel like I’ve been given a taste of a different type of discipline and I want more.
Questions are the river
“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”
Heraclitus
Questions are the river. We must keep stepping into them in order to expand our understanding and increase their impact.
Favorite Questions from this Year
Not all questions are created equally. “What should you eat for breakfast” may have a different impact than “what lessons did you learn?” Although, that depends on what you plan to have for breakfast. And, some questions are just more fun to think about than others. I loved
Coming up
In 2022, the questions will continue and the content will expand. I’m interested in opening up conversations with others about how they approach the same questions. We live in a time where everyone has an answer and I want to see us collectively embrace questions. Questions will help us see ourselves, others, and the world around us differently and we need more of that.