Compared to what?

Years ago I met with a high school student who said they could walk into a room and within a few minutes know exactly where they ranked on some perceived hierarchy among the group.

The student described how they used a variety of factors (GPA, athletics, service, popularity, clothing, humor, and more) to stack rank everyone around them. 

I had never heard this type of comparison described in such a calculated and matter of fact way. It was just a thing that happened. And according to the student, everyone did it.

In most articles about comparison, this is where you would insert the quote immortalized as a magnet on every fridge around the world:

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

But, is it really?

To find out, I tried out this question this past week…

Compared to what?

Who do you think is happier—an Olympic silver medalist or an Olympic bronze medalist?

"It's pretty counterintuitive because the silver medalist just performed better, but we found that third place winners tend to express more happiness after an Olympic event, than those who come in second,

Silver medalists tend to think about, and compare themselves to, that gold medalist." "So they think, 'Maybe if I had only done something different, I could have won that gold medal.'  That sort of thinking can be especially pervasive when the top two positions can be separated by nearly imperceptible milliseconds.

But that bronze medalist, they're actually forming a downward comparison. And they're thinking, at least I'm not that fourth place finisher. At least I'm not that person who didn't even earn a medal."

Bill Hedgcock, Andrea Luangrath, Raelyn Webster 

Sometimes, losing can bring you greater happiness.

Ok, so compared to the gold medalist, a silver medalist sees what could have been and feels disappointment. At the same time, the bronze medalist compares herself to every athlete not on the medal podium and sees what could have been and feels immense joy and gratitude.

So, I guess one way you could use comparison to your advantage might be to look around at situations more difficult and trying than your own and you’ll feel gratitude and joy for what you have.

But does that mean we should never compare ourselves to those higher up the “ranking?”

This is where my question fell apart this week. I don’t think it actually gave me the complete view.

And then, at Crossfit this week, another piece fell into place.

I’ve been doing Crossfit for years now and we had a guy in our group who beat me at everything. We are about the same age, same build, and same life situations. 

He ran faster.

He lifted more.

He even ran faster while lifting more.

For years, I chased him.

For years, I was always just a few steps behind.

And for years, I got better at everything.

I became stronger, faster, more mobile, and more coordinated than ever. 

So yes, compared to him, I was a continual silver medalist. At the same time, compared to who I was previously, I was the best I had ever been.

I think the effect of comparison on us depends not only on who we compare ourselves to but the purpose of the comparison. With my Crossfit friend, I always looked over and saw possibilities. I saw someone always just a few steps ahead on the same path showing me that those few steps were possible for me too. 

Yes, it’s helpful to ask, “compared to what?” because it forces you to decide which direction you’re going to look. But then, the question that complements this should be, “and now what?”

Looking up or down gives you a data point but what really matters is what you’re going to do now with that data point.

I’m not sure comparison is the thing we’re trying to avoid. I think comparison is almost inevitable, it comes with being human. 

When my high school student friend from years ago walks into a room and stack ranks everyone, the next question should be “and now what?” What will they do with that data point?

If we’re going to make comparisons anyway, we should at least get something valuable out of it.

If you see someone a few steps ahead, ask for advice, and see them as a sign of what’s possible.

If you see someone a few steps behind, reach out, offer advice, and lift them.

I wonder what would happen if we each were continually using comparisons to drive these types of behavior instead of letting things shift into pride or envy?

Give it a try this week!

Keep Asking,

Kyle