Do people love you for who you are, or what you do?
the quiet fear behind success....
**Before jumping into this week’s newsletter, I want to say thank you! I have heard from SO many of you over the last few weeks in response to my article “Why I’m Stepping Away From My Dream Job.” I really appreciate the kind words and encouragement! 🙏🏼
Modern Wisdom host Chris Williamson recently posed this question:
“Do people love you for who you are or what you do?”
Before you keep reading, take just 30 seconds to think about how you would answer that.
Then he reframed the question slightly and asked this:
“Do YOU love you for who you are or what you do?”
It seems like there’s an obvious answer, right?
Of course I want to be loved for who I am.
Not for my performances.
Not for my productivity.
But one of the practices I’ve tried to build into my life is this:
When I answer a question too quickly and too confidently, I force myself to question my answer.
When answers come too quickly for me, it often means I haven’t sat with the question long enough to (a) understand what the question is really asking or (b) see the potential nuance in the answers available.
As I struggled with these two questions, I noticed a few potential flaws:
1. It’s a false binary.
The word “or” is a trap. It makes it seem like there are only two possible answers. What if both are possible? What if there is another entirely different option available?
2. It assumes all doing is good.
The question frames love as something earned through positive output.
But what about the missteps? The slumps? The silence?
3. It treats love like a formula.
As if it lives in a spreadsheet. But love isn’t math—it’s messy. It’s often irrational.
4. It implies love is the ultimate goal.
But maybe it’s not. Maybe being seen—really seen—is what we’re craving. Not just for what we’ve done well. But for who we’ve been through it all.
What I Learned About Myself
This question has frustrated me for weeks.
So I tried something. I fed 6 years of my personal leadership 360 feedback data into ChatGPT along with a prompt requesting specific coaching around the intersection of these questions and the way others interpret how I show up at work.
(If you’ve never tried using some type of AI platform as a coach, I highly recommend it)
Here’s just one insight that struck a nerve.
“deep-seated fear that self worth expires if it isn’t constantly renewed…”
yikes.
I know, I know, this insight comes from my professional life where being loved isn’t the ultimate goal. But I am who I am, and there is definitely an overlap here in how I approach both my professional and personal life.
You know what came to mind as I was thinking about this?
This was one of 12 billboards created by Phillies shortstop Trea Turner. Turner had a fantastic career with the Nationals, even winning a World Series.
But when he joined Philadelphia he hit a MAJOR slump and his output declined significantly.
The fans turned on him. Boos. Criticism.
Until one fan encouraged everyone to try something different.
Instead of booing, he rallied the city to give Turner a standing ovation—in the middle of the slump!
That same weekend, Turner broke the slump and delivered with two doubles, five RBI’s, and a home run.
Here’s why I love this story.
Turner had a history of strong performances/output.
But like all of us, he hit a season where the results didn’t match the previous performance or the potential.
At first, the fans did what you might expect—they turned on him when his performance didn’t match their expectations.
But then—one fan stepped in.
And gave him what we all hope for deep down:
A reminder that we’re still loved even when we’re slumping.
I think that’s all we’re really looking for, right?
We’re looking to know that even when we’re slumping there’s a handful of die-hard fans in our corner who will offer the standing ovation to show us they’re still there.
And hopefully, we are one of those fans standing up and cheering ourselves on—even when we’re slumping.
So, what do you think?
How do you approach these two questions?
Do people love you for who you are or what you do?
Do you love you for who you are or what you do?
And, let me know if you ever need someone to step up and give you a standing ovation. I’ll be there even if you’re slumping.
Keep Asking,
Kyle