The hardest feedback I ever received...

and what 350 comments from high school students reminded me about self-awareness...

Guys…

It happened.

This week I had the chance to run my workshop with roughly 40 high school students in our Quest program where the teachers are doing special things. They’ve crafted a wonderful blend of academic rigor and life design. And I was fortunate enough to be given time to lead the group through a series of deep questions, reflection, and activities.

During our time together we focused on three life-changing questions:

• Who am I?

• Who do I want to become?

• How do I get there?

Why these questions?

“Over the years I’ve watched the fates of my HBS classmates from 1979 unfold; I’ve seen more and more of them come to reunions unhappy, divorced, and alienated from their children. I can guarantee you that not a single one of them graduated with the deliberate strategy of getting divorced and raising children who would become estranged from them. And yet a shocking number of them implemented that strategy. The reason? They didn’t keep the purpose of their lives front and center as they decided how to spend their time, talents, and energy.”

— Clayton Christensen

If we don’t remind ourselves of our answers, we may unknowingly lose our way.

Before the workshop, I asked the students to share a short survey with their closest friends, family members, teachers, coaches, and other adults in their lives.

The survey looked like this:

• 1 – Strongly disagree

• 2 – Disagree

• 3 – Sometimes / Unsure

• 4 – Agree

• 5 – Strongly agree

1. I trust this person

2. This person makes others feel comfortable being themselves

3. This person follows through on what they say they will do

4. This person seems aware of how they come across to others in their interactions

5. When something goes wrong, this person takes responsibility rather than blaming others

6. This person is open to feedback and willing to grow

7. Being around this person makes me better (more motivated, more kind, etc.)

What is one strength you see in this person? (Please share an example that shows the strength in action.)

What is one habit or behavior that limits this person?

Finally, respondents chose three words from a word bank to describe the student.

Why did we do this?

We began with some deep self-reflection which gave them a chance to understand how they perceive themselves. But I really wanted them to have data that highlighted how others see them so they could wrestle with how the perceptions of self and others were aligned or misaligned.

I read every single comment to make sure everything was anonymized and free from anything unnecessarily cruel. In total, I read nearly 350 comments.

What struck me most was the thoughtfulness of the feedback. In many cases, these were peers offering their friends the gift of honest reflection.

Imagine being 17 or 18 and hearing things like this:

(All of these have been edited slightly to ensure anonymity.)

• “I wish you’d think more about the implications of your words…”

• “I appreciate how much thought you put into everything you do…”

• “I think one of your best qualities is responsibility. You can be trusted to do the right thing even when no one is looking.”

• “I think you need to come out of your shell a bit more and be willing to meet new people and try new things.”

• “You need to swap out ‘it’s not my fault’ for ‘how can I adapt?’ or ‘how did I contribute to this outcome?’”

It was incredible to watch the students unpack this feedback.

It’s not easy to sit with feedback that challenges you. But they approached it thoughtfully and with maturity.

At the heart of the survey is a simple question:

Who do you think I am?

Do we need everyone to love us? No.

Do we need to make every decision based on what others think of us? No.

But if we’re open—if we receive thoughtful feedback from a cross-section of people in our lives—the insights can be life-changing.

Feedback like this isn’t theoretical to me.

I’ve experienced how powerful—and uncomfortable—it can be.

At the end of my first year at BYU, one of my roommates handed me a handwritten letter as we were moving out of the dorm.

Inside that letter, he outlined the worst parts of my character. He called out my arrogance and selfishness. He shared examples of how I had excluded people, talked over others, and made people feel small through my words and actions.

At first, I was furious.

Who was he to tell me these things?

He had his own flaws to worry about.

But I kept the letter.

And I read it over and over again.

For years.

That letter—one data point from one person, describing the worst parts of who I was—changed my life.

It’s one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received.

Because eventually, I made space to see.

I made space to question myself.

I began the slow work of comparing what he said with how I was actually showing up in the lives of the people around me. And I realized there was room to grow.

Over time, I made small adjustments in how I listened, spoke, and treated others.

I am a better person today because someone was brave enough to tell me their honest perception of who I was.

I hope I have the opportunity to run this workshop with many more students.

I hope that one year, four years, or even ten years from now, some of these students will remember this moment.

I hope they remember the gift they were given.

And that they used that gift to make whatever course corrections—big or small—were needed to bring their lives into better alignment between who they believe they are and how they show up in the world.

Because we would all benefit from having a few better answers to the questions:

Who am I? / Who do you think I am?

Keep Asking,

Kyle