What pain do you want in your life?

This is my bookshelf at work:

It’s filled with productivity, self improvement, biographies, and anything I think will help me improve. So many of these books are written through the lens of helping people achieve, accomplish, and obtain the things they want.

But what do I want?

Actually, what do you want?

We probably overlap in some of our desires—strong relationships, meaningful memories, sense of purpose, financial stability, etc. It’s easy to talk about what we want and it’s fun.

But I saw a question online earlier this week that adds a new layer to the conversation about what we want.

“What pain do you want in your life?”

“What we get out of life is not determined by the good feelings we desire, but by the bad feelings we’re willing to sustain.”

Mark Manson

You want a strong lifelong relationship. But are you willing to choose the pain of a hard conversation that is needed? 

You want good health. But are you willing to choose the pain of exercise?

You want a good salary and financial stability. But are you willing to choose to outwork your peers and refrain from excessive spending?

These are the easy ones but not everything is so black and white. What happens when your desires come into conflict?

This is our ninth year living in Singapore. When we have the chance to go home, we often get the question, “so, when are you guys gonna move back?”

Choosing to live overseas, or even choosing to live in a different state means choosing the pain of being away from family. The further away you live, the harder it is to just “go home” when something happens. 

I saw this during Covid as the world locked down and friends and colleagues had to make painful decisions.

You want relationships.

You want financial security/stability/incredible job.

It’s easy to say. 

It’s hard when 💩 hits the fan.

Should you fly home for the death of a parent, knowing that if you do, you have no certainty about whether you will be allowed to come back which might lead to you losing the job you love? Or do you choose the pain of missing the funeral because it means you have the security of knowing you aren’t jeopardizing your livelihood?

You want the relationships and you want the job security.

But which pain are you willing to endure?

I like the question not as a replacement for, “what do you want,” but as a complement to it—an important partner in the decision making process. It’s empowering. Yes, you chose to fly home AND you chose the uncertainty of whether you would be able to return. It’s a small thing but an important one to acknowledge that you CHOSE the pain. 

This question is also super helpful when you’re on Instagram 😬

You scroll through your feed and see your favorite author sitting on a porch writing at 10:00 a.m. and think, “dang, I want that life.”

You see a friend’s finished home remodel and think, “wow, I would love that.”

You see a random account share a travel photo and think, “I wish I was there.”

The thing is, we can’t cherry pick the good from these people without understanding that to have the “things” they have means to also have the accompanying “pain” they have chosen.

The author chose the pain of an uncertain profession that might have been much harder than a 9-5.

The friend chose the pain of not spending anything for months or years to save up and the pain of the renovation process.

The random travel influencer chose the pain of living out of a suitcase and the unpredictability of traveling as a profession.

If you want someone else’s life you have to be willing to take all of the accompanying pain that person has chosen. So the next time you begin comparing yourself or wishing for something else, ask yourself, do I want the associated pain?

Take this question for a spin the next time you catch yourself saying, “oh, I really want that…” If you really want it, then you better be ready to bring on the pain!

Keep Asking,

Kyle