You’re probably doing dinner wrong...

We were too, until we asked this one question...

What’s the purpose of dinner?

When you sit down with family or friends, why are you actually there?

What do you hope people take away from that time together?

That question sits at the heart of Priya Parker’s book, The Art of Gathering.

“Whether or not a gathering creates space for meaning-making, it is something that individual guests will do on their own… A great gatherer doesn’t necessarily leave this process to unfold only within individuals. Rather, the gatherer might find a way of guiding guests toward some kind of collective exercise of stock-taking.”

(Priya Parker)

Here’s what’s interesting: whether you answer that question intentionally or not, an answer will still form in the mind of every person at the table.

So the real question is—

Do you want to leave that to chance?

Priya suggests starting with the end in mind:

“Reverse engineer an outcome: Think of what you want to be different because you gathered, and work backward from that outcome.”

(Priya Parker)

I love that.

What do you want to be different because we gathered?

Try asking that about every gathering you’re part of.

I did.

It got overwhelming fast 😬

There are so many gatherings.
Are you really responsible for creating meaning for everyone, all the time, in every situation?

No.

But you can choose one.

What’s one gathering you can influence?

Maybe it’s a church group. A volunteer meeting. Storytime with your kids. The car ride to school.

For us, it’s family dinner.

Leah and I have spent years experimenting with ways to make that time meaningful. Right now, our dinners revolve around three simple purposes:

Connection

Dinner is often the only moment in the day when our whole family is together—no devices, no toys, no distractions competing for attention. This is our time to be with one another and truly be present.

We start with a prayer as a way of helping us stay connect with God.

This is an opportunity to see and be seen by the people closest to us.

Growth

Each family member gets a day to lead the conversation. It’s their chance to practice facilitating—asking for attention, managing different personalities, and creating space for everyone to be heard.

Sometimes it’s simple: “What was your high and low today?”

But even in that, they’re learning how to guide a group. Who speaks next. When to move things along. How to help someone land their thought.

It’s definitely messy.

But there’s no better way to learn facilitation than trying to lead a discussion that includes a three-year-old.

Food

Ironically, this is sometimes happening in the background.

Some nights, a kid opts out of the main dish entirely and eats a piece of fruit instead. But they still stay at the table. They’re still part of the conversation.

Which, at this point, feels like the point.

My biggest takeaway from the book?

“Gathering well isn’t a chill activity.”

(Priya Parker)

We tend to put “chill” on a pedestal.

It’s cool to not care. To go with the flow. To just see what happens.

And to be fair, I like that sometimes (especially when I’m a guest).

But we don’t need more “chill.”

We need more purpose. More intention. More people willing to care enough to shape an experience that actually matters.

Be that person.

Keep Asking,

Kyle