As one who has traveled a lot with children, I love the honesty and contrast of the two stories. This example reminds me of a concept in sociology called the Social Construction of Reality. While a falling tree still makes a sound regardless if a person hears it or not, how we perceive our existence affects our actions. If behavior and emotions reveal our beliefs, then the meaning we associate to an experience makes a huge difference with our overall satisfaction. From a cognitive behavioral standpoint, the more I can change my beliefs/meaning associated to circumstances, my behavior will follow. I know there is a lot of talk these days about abundant VS scarcity mindsets. I think we should focus on the positives and strengths, but it's also helpful when we have contrast. A basketball or football game without lines is not as fun. I think about Victor Frankl's book on Man's Search for Meaning, and how even in dire circumstances, finding meaning and purpose is what carries us through the fire as we are refined.
I love Man's Search for Meaning and use him as a reference point to remind myself you can find purpose in any situation. I think this is one of the biggest things I want my kids to understand—you get to write your own story. You are the one who layers meaning onto the events that take place. I love the Stoic approach: “The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own . . .” —Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4–5
Excellent quote! I have a poster in my office that students like that shows the things outside their control and those that are within their control.
I'm by ni means perfect with this, but I try to be careful how I word statements, and encourage my kids to do the same. For example, the classic, "you're making me upset/angry," is a belief that others can control our emotions. I know at times the stimulus and our reaction can give the impression that our feelings are driven by how others act, but that false belief hands over the keys to our inner world.
That concept of choice is interesting to unpack as a thought experiment. What is choice? Is it a mixture of conscious thought and feelings? What are the mechanisms for decisions before they become automated/habitual?
If the foundation of our behavioral/emotional response is our perceived meaning, then we could both experience the same event such as a car accident but have completely different emotional responses. I could be irate that my day is ruined, my car is totaled, and my arm is broken. You could be thankful that you're alive, insurance will cover the damage, and your injuries could have been much worse.
This is what I want to help my children and students to be aware of as they get triggered and flooded. The challenge is that it isn't always easy to change those underlying beliefs. Awareness helps, but there are deep seeded reasons why we have held onto these beliefs for so long. Sometimes it relates to self-preservation, which means people's defensive walls can go up. This self-examination can be really uncomfortable, but also helpful.
When I react with frustration or anger because of something my child does, that's when I should use that event to explore why. What belief of mine is threatened in that situation? Maybe it's that when my son behaves a certain way, it reminds me of my childhood and how I was taught by my parents to lock in emotions, and get over problems without addressing them. Maybe I believe my son should do the same thing. For example, instead of whining about running out of video game time, he should just suck it up like I was taught to do. His whining is somehow triggering me, and it's at least partly rooted in my belief about what's worth complaining about (which I guess I'm lacking empathy for for him since I feel he had plenty of screen time already).
The interesting thing is that I do my fair share of complaining, yet I believe it's somehow different or more acceptable than what 6 my son's complaining looks like (probably because I'm not throwing my body on the floor or sounding like I'm in agony). Diving deeper, could my son's complaint be challenging a belief even more foundational in me that I'm not thinking about?
For me, I find it helpful to look at conflicts or moments of intense emotional responses as places to start digging. Like a dentist searching for cavities, we need to use the pain (i.e., defensiveness, anger, disappointment, distress, anxiety, etc.) as signposts to our stickin' thinkin'.
As one who has traveled a lot with children, I love the honesty and contrast of the two stories. This example reminds me of a concept in sociology called the Social Construction of Reality. While a falling tree still makes a sound regardless if a person hears it or not, how we perceive our existence affects our actions. If behavior and emotions reveal our beliefs, then the meaning we associate to an experience makes a huge difference with our overall satisfaction. From a cognitive behavioral standpoint, the more I can change my beliefs/meaning associated to circumstances, my behavior will follow. I know there is a lot of talk these days about abundant VS scarcity mindsets. I think we should focus on the positives and strengths, but it's also helpful when we have contrast. A basketball or football game without lines is not as fun. I think about Victor Frankl's book on Man's Search for Meaning, and how even in dire circumstances, finding meaning and purpose is what carries us through the fire as we are refined.
I love Man's Search for Meaning and use him as a reference point to remind myself you can find purpose in any situation. I think this is one of the biggest things I want my kids to understand—you get to write your own story. You are the one who layers meaning onto the events that take place. I love the Stoic approach: “The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own . . .” —Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4–5
Excellent quote! I have a poster in my office that students like that shows the things outside their control and those that are within their control.
I'm by ni means perfect with this, but I try to be careful how I word statements, and encourage my kids to do the same. For example, the classic, "you're making me upset/angry," is a belief that others can control our emotions. I know at times the stimulus and our reaction can give the impression that our feelings are driven by how others act, but that false belief hands over the keys to our inner world.
That concept of choice is interesting to unpack as a thought experiment. What is choice? Is it a mixture of conscious thought and feelings? What are the mechanisms for decisions before they become automated/habitual?
If the foundation of our behavioral/emotional response is our perceived meaning, then we could both experience the same event such as a car accident but have completely different emotional responses. I could be irate that my day is ruined, my car is totaled, and my arm is broken. You could be thankful that you're alive, insurance will cover the damage, and your injuries could have been much worse.
This is what I want to help my children and students to be aware of as they get triggered and flooded. The challenge is that it isn't always easy to change those underlying beliefs. Awareness helps, but there are deep seeded reasons why we have held onto these beliefs for so long. Sometimes it relates to self-preservation, which means people's defensive walls can go up. This self-examination can be really uncomfortable, but also helpful.
When I react with frustration or anger because of something my child does, that's when I should use that event to explore why. What belief of mine is threatened in that situation? Maybe it's that when my son behaves a certain way, it reminds me of my childhood and how I was taught by my parents to lock in emotions, and get over problems without addressing them. Maybe I believe my son should do the same thing. For example, instead of whining about running out of video game time, he should just suck it up like I was taught to do. His whining is somehow triggering me, and it's at least partly rooted in my belief about what's worth complaining about (which I guess I'm lacking empathy for for him since I feel he had plenty of screen time already).
The interesting thing is that I do my fair share of complaining, yet I believe it's somehow different or more acceptable than what 6 my son's complaining looks like (probably because I'm not throwing my body on the floor or sounding like I'm in agony). Diving deeper, could my son's complaint be challenging a belief even more foundational in me that I'm not thinking about?
For me, I find it helpful to look at conflicts or moments of intense emotional responses as places to start digging. Like a dentist searching for cavities, we need to use the pain (i.e., defensiveness, anger, disappointment, distress, anxiety, etc.) as signposts to our stickin' thinkin'.