Speak up or shut up?
“Kyle needs to continue to raise his voice in SLT… “
“would encourage Kyle to be confident in his voice and his views and to share those…”
“Should be firmer and more opinionated…”
“has a legitimate voice and it should be heard more frequently...”
Each year, we do a leadership survey where we get feedback from individuals across the school along with our immediate team members. One of the areas I’ve been encouraged to cultivate is a willingness to speak up more.
If you had known me 20 years ago, you probably know that speaking up or being opinionated wasn’t the problem. Back then, I spoke too much, tried too hard to be at the center of every discussion, and often was a little too loud for some people (especially at home).
I’ve shared before about one of my university roommates who left me a multi-page, single-spaced note at the end of our year living together who pointed out how self-centered and arrogant I was and how I tried to make everything about myself in every conversation or situation.
I’ve spent over two decades trying to not be that person.
In some ways, I’ve been successful and in others I still fight against tendencies I’ve always had and maybe always will. For many years, I just tried to force myself to not speak at all in certain situations—even if I had an opinion or strong feelings about something. But in recent years, I’ve tried to change my approach.
This video is newer but I heard Ryan Holiday share this story years ago and I think about it regularly when I’m in meetings.
My colleagues are right, I don’t speak up as much as others do or as much as I maybe should.
But, in meetings, I run some of my thoughts through a rapid-fire series of questions that helps me try to figure out whether this is the moment to speak up or shut up. *I don’t get it right all the time but I’ve found it to be really helpful.
(Shout out to James Clear for the question set 👏🏼)
Does this need to be said?
Does the thought I have add value to the conversation? Maybe this is a new thought altogether, or it might be that a previously mentioned point needs another voice at the table to support it (concisely but strongly).
“A wise man speaks because he has something to say. A fool speaks because he has to say something.” (Plato)
Does this need to be said by me?
I think about this every time we have a parent presentation or workshop. I want my voice to be as limited as possible in these situations and I want student, teacher, and other parent voices to take the spotlight. Will the point be received as well coming from me as it would be coming from a fellow parent or a teacher? It depends on the situation—and that’s why this part of the question series is so important. I’m more interested in the message being received than I am in being the one to deliver it so I’d rather make sure I’ve got the right messenger.
Does this need to be said by me right now?
Timing is everything! Sometimes it’s good to lean into the emotion of a moment because it’s the emotion that will carry the message to your audience. Other times you need to wait, let the emotion simmer, and then share your thoughts.
Well, there you go—three very quick questions you can use the next time you’re in a meeting or conversation and are about to jump in with a hot take on something. And, if you’re really interested in deconstructing things you’re about to say, you should check out the newsletter from a few months ago, “To Say or Not to Say.” (it’s one of my most read newsletters so far!)
Keep Asking,
Kyle