To say or not to say?

What’s happening in your mind during a conversation?

I can tell you what’s happening in mine…

I try to actively listen and not think about my own responses. (this is aspirational but not always reality)

Sometimes, I’m thinking about what the other person needs from me and how I can help.

Sometimes, my mind wanders.

And then, there are these moments where I think I need to say something and then some part of my brain says “whoa, you can’t say that - that won’t go over well.”

I’ve been thinking about this recently after listening to a recent Tim Ferriss podcast with Claire Hughes Johnson who shared that one of her personal operating principles is this:

“Say the thing you think you cannot say.”

That thing—that’s what we’re talking about today. I don’t think you should just say all the things you think you cannot say, but I thought about a series of questions you could work through to not only determine whether to say it or not, but how to say it, and you might even learn a little more about yourself in the process.

What’s the thing you think you cannot say?

You have to start with recognition. Sometimes our minds slip into default modes of thinking. We might self-censor without even realizing that we’re doing it. You may need to actively mine for these moments. After a meeting or a conversation, ask this question and see what comes up as you reflect on what was both said and unsaid in that interaction.

I’ve had this happen specifically in meetings. I think this is where those moments happen most frequently for me.

Why can’t you say it?

Now you unpack your “why.” I tend to have two main motives for self censoring:

Fear - worried about offending, worried about putting forth an idea that might be wrong, worried about sharing something counter to the general feeling of the room.

Temperance - the more frequent reason is that I can see that the risk/reward ratio is off. There’s no need for me to share certain things in the midst of being emotionally elevated because the risk is greater than the reward. This is similar to when Abraham Lincoln would write scathing responses to some of his critics and peers and then simply store them in a desk drawer because he knew they wouldn’t get him the results he wanted.

I think you learn a bit about yourself as you unpack your “why.” My fears are often unwarranted and exaggerated, which leads me to our next question.

What evidence do you have that your hopes/fears will happen after you say it?

This one is important. How much evidence do you have that whatever your reason for censoring will come true if you say it? I know that I sometimes will worry about saying something to someone when I literally have no evidence that they will respond negatively to the comment. In fact, sometimes when I look for the evidence, I actually find more tangible evidence that the person receives feedback well or wants to engage in meaningful dialogue.

What’s the right moment for the message?

Sometimes, it’s less about what’s being said then when it’s being said. To engage in any conversation while emotions are running hot is not always the best. But that’s for you to decide. Sometimes elevated emotion can help you convey the magnitude of the message you’re trying to send.

What’s the right way to say what you want to say?

I’ve found that for the really important conversations it’s helpful to write down what I want to say and then actually practice it. I know that might sound like overkill and I don’t think you need to do it for everything. But, if this is something important that you want to get right, I would practice feeling the words leave my mouth so I can hear whether it comes out the way I want it to. When I work with school leaders on presentations, we always practice because I never want the actual presentation to be the first time the words come out of their mouth. We almost always find a better way to phrase certain things once we hear ourselves say it out loud. If this is going to be an important conversation, it’s worth practicing it first.

Now, what?

Well, now you have to decide what to do. You know what needs to be said, when to say, how to say it, and what might happen if you say it. The question is, what are you going to do now? Maybe, it was just a great exercise for you to learn more about yourself. Maybe, you need to send the email, schedule the meeting, or call the person right now before you let fear get in the way again.

Only you know what you need to do now.

Keep Asking,

Kyle

P.S. I tried something new this past week in my daily ask videos - have a look and let me know what you think.