What are your swear words?
I overheard this exchange between my nephew and my brother-in-law recently while we were hanging out with my sister and her family in southern Utah.
“That’s not fair!”
“You know that’s a swear word around here, right?”
Kids have been dropping this f-bomb since the beginning of time and I bet it gets way more mileage than the other four-letter f-word.
For the last 15 years, I’ve been doing communication work and I’m constantly reminded of this: words are powerful. Whether they’re written, spoken, signed, or expressed in some other way, words have immediate and lasting impact.
Interestingly, the words we don’t say can often say just as much about us as the ones we say.
After I heard that comment from my brother-in-law, I started thinking about the swear words in my own life. What are the words I’ve chosen to avoid? Why did I choose them? What impact do they have on me or others?
What are your swear words?
As I thought about my swear words, I decided to put them in three tiers….
Tier 1 (will never say out of respect for a higher power)
This tier represents commandment number three—”Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.”
Tier 2 (will most likely never say out of respect for the people around me)
These are the usuals—you know, the four letter ones. But I’d also throw in here racial slurs and other similar words. These are words we almost all collectively agree are things we shouldn’t say, don’t say, or are things we’re at least mindful of as we say them that they might be offensive (or are intended to be offensive).
Tier 3 (will likely still say out of habit but wish I didn’t)
This is the tier of words that don’t fall into either of the categories above but are still words I want to use sparingly.
Always/Never
I always tell my kids that these words are often not actually true and when they use these around me, I will often stop and ask them whether their statement is true. (check out this previous newsletter about this concept)
Can’t
I don’t like this word without the right modifier—yet. You can’t do this yet. I’m trying my best to help our household develop growth mindsets.
Fair
I’m going to steal this one from my brother-in-law. I worry that this word has taken on a life of its own and is used as a replacement for equal. Unfortunately, life has never been fair. From the moment we are born into various nations around the world, our circumstances aren’t fair. I want my kids (and me) to focus on how we play the cards we’re dealt instead of complaining that others might have been given a better starting hand.
While we’re here, let me share the list of words I want my kids using as often as possible:
What?
Why?
How?
When?
Who?
Where?
These are powerful words that open endless doors encouraging at least momentary reflection. That’s what this whole project is all about—asking more and better questions. Are the words you’re using creating the impact you want?
So, what are your swear words?
Keep Asking,
Kyle
Great, that brother in-law sounds cool. Personally I'm a little like Gary V. in that I really like to use the traditional 4 letter kind of swear word. Obviously there are people and places in which I agree to turn that back or off completely. If one of my kids use those words it wouldn't be something I have a big reaction over like some parents. I've told them they probably shouldn't and why, especially ask kids.
But when one of them says "I Cant" or its "Unfair" these are excuses that have no place in our house. There is aways a way, we just need to find it out. I believe you can find an excuse or you can find the way, it is up to you where you want to spend your efforts and what reputation you want to carry. Be a doer or be a can kicker.
Life in many ways can feel like a coin flip and is unfair. Many illnesses, accidents or other misfortunes plague everyone of us. So much so that I believe life is so unfair to everyone that it becomes fair to all. I often have to remind my kids "Don't be the Mayor of Victimville" because that's where they want to live at times. Owning everything that comes your way allows you to move past the road blocks and take action which leads to more positive outcomes. Own everything as if it's all on you, and I mean everything. If we lose a game on a blown call by a ref, well its on us for making it close enough that his call mattered at all. If I get in a car wreck this morning, well that's on me because I should have left earlier to work or been more alert myself. Even if it seems like you shouldn't own it, OWN IT! This can lead to you taking much greater action, Massive Action, on the items you actually can control and achieve success. What is unfair is an expectation that the refs will call a perfect game, or other drivers will be perfectly safe, or that we will get wealthier/healthier just by doing the same average level of performance.